It's Kif's Time of the Month Again!
by TheAnnoyingAlien
Summary: We're all aware of Kif's ability to become pregnant through holding hands, but there's another unique detail regarding his alien biology that he prefers to keep hidden from others. Amy is the only one he's told of this feature, but when Zapp accidentally learns about it Kif attempts to explain Amphibiosan anatomy to him with hilarious results.


**"It's Kif's Time of the Month Again!"  
****  
Author's Note: So... this fic is kind of random... i****t's just a humorous idea I had when I was thinking about the episode "Kif Gets Knocked up a Notch" and started wondering about Kif's anatomy. ****I also really just wanted to write a Zapp and Kif centric fic about them goofing around and hanging out together lol... ****I'm sorry if they sound out of character. I haven't had much practice writing for them, but I honestly tried my best to keep them in character. ****I guess this could take place sometime between my fics Robot Hell's Angel and Future Mama Baby Drama, around mid to late January of 3013. Anyways, enjoy my piece of crap writing c:  
**

Zapp was well aware that Kif had a tendency to be a little moody. However, he noticed that for about five days every month, he was much moodier than usual. He'd be angry one moment, a sobbing mess the next, then he'd be cheerful-all for no reason whatsoever. Aside from these drastic emotional changes, the General noticed a few other peculiar things about his Lieutenant. During these five or so days of moodiness, Kif would be using the bathroom more frequently and would often complain of stomach pains, nausea, headaches, and insomnia. He also developed an intense craving for salt. All of these strange symptoms, and the regular monthly cycle at which they occurred, were very confusing to Zapp. Kif didn't seem all too concerned by it though, so he didn't say anything to him. He figured it was fine; Kif would've consulted a doctor about it by now if it wasn't. But he still wondered about it from time to time.

Today was one of those moody-sick days for Kif. He and Zapp had just finished up a diplomatic meeting with the president of the planet Sims 3, and were making their way back to the Nimbus. The chubby blonde glanced over at his green alien friend, who was scowling angrily and had his hands balled up into fists. He was grumpy; Zapp thought it was best not to bother him until he calmed down a bit. He sighed in annoyance-Kif's grouchiness was starting to get to him. But he decided not to hassle him about it. In all fairness, he had a legitimate reason to be upset.

During their chat with President Maxis, the Sims' leader, Zapp had nearly caused trouble when he tried to impress the president by conversing in his native language, Simlish (which the dimwitted buffoon had absolutely no idea how to speak, mind you) Unsurprisingly, this backfired and he ended up inadvertently implying that the president's mother was a llama. Enraged by this insult, President Maxis and the other Sims attending the meeting quickly grabbed their weapons and prepared to attack. It looked like it would be the battle of Paco's Tacos all over again, but thankfully Kif remedied the situation before a fight broke out. He was a decent Simlish speaker, having studied it as his foreign language in high school, and explained to President Maxis that Zapp meant to thank him for allying with the DOOP, not insult his mother. The President seemed to understand; he and his fellow Sims put away their weapons and the rest of the meeting went off without a hitch. Zapp wasn't all that bothered by the near-disaster with the Sims, but he could understand why Kif would be upset over it. The blonde turned to the alien and nudged him playfully in the shoulder, cracking a smile at him. Kif grimaced morosely in response.

"What?" He grumbled.

"Let's get Mexican food for dinner tonight." Suggested Zapp.

"Not at Paco's Tacos! You know they banned us from going there after what happened..." Kif whined.

"Of course I know that! I was thinking we'd stop by Space Chipotle or something instead." Replied Zapp. Kif frowned, crossing his arms.

"I don't want to..." He refused.

"Aw, come on Kif. You like Mexican food." Zapp smirked, placing his arm around his friend's shoulders.

"Yes, but... I'm just not that hungry today. My stomach's been bothering me." Kif muttered, placing his hands on his belly.

"But you haven't eaten anything all day!" Zapp pointed out.

"Yes I have!" Kif retorted.

"Really?" Zapp scoffed, giving him an unconvinced look. Kif nodded. "What have you eaten, then?"

"Salt." The Lieutenant replied. He took a salt shaker out of his pocket and started shaking the salt into his mouth.

"You've got to eat something other than salt! I'll buy you a quesa-dila." Zapp insisted.

"I told you, I'm not hungry! And it's pronounced quesa-deeya!" Kif protested.

"Yeah yeah whatever, you know what I mean! Look Kif, I don't care if you're not hungry. I'm getting you some _real_ food and you're going to eat it whether you like it or not. It's not healthy for you to live purely off of salt!" Zapp lectured him.

"But- oh, forget it! Fine, go fucking get me a fucking quesadilla! I don't fucking care any-fucking-more!" Kif exclaimed angrily. Zapp was taken aback by his heavy cursing. Kif rarely if ever used expletives in their conversations.

"Kif! Easy on the F-bombs!" He scolded him. Kif gave him a guilty look and hung his head shamefully.

"I'm sorry Sir, I just... I can't help it! I'm on-um... I don't feel well, and I can't take it!" He whimpered. Then he burst into tears. Zapp sighed exasperatedly-he was undergoing another mood swing, switching from anger to sadness.

"Kif, why are you crying like a woman? You're a man, you can handle this! This happens to you every month and you're always fine after a couple days." He replied, trying to calm the Lieutenant. Kif sniffled a bit and composed himself.

"I suppose you have a point." He sighed, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Come on, let's go get some fucking quesa-dilas!" Zapp exclaimed happily.

"Quesa-deeyas..." Kif giggled. Zapp rolled his eyes and smiled at him.

"You know what I mean!"

* * *

After stopping by Space Chipotle, Zapp and Kif had returned to the Nimbus to enjoy their food. They were watching TV together while they ate; Zapp was eating nachos and guacamole and Kif was eating a quesadilla... well, he wasn't really _eating_ it per se. Occasionally he'd take a bite of it, but most of the time he was just staring at it with disinterest and sneaking salt from his salt shaker when Zapp wasn't looking, which was quite often since he was distracted by the TV. They were watching "10'000 Ways to Pass Away", a show that displayed various unusual and horrific ways that one could die. Zapp enjoyed watching this program, but Kif didn't really like it all that much. There was too much blood and gore and death for him. However, he didn't feel like arguing with Zapp over something as simple as a TV show, so he kept his mouth shut and watched it anyways.

"How's Selene doing?" He asked Zapp during a commercial break, referring to his older sister.

"She's doing alright; her divorce was finalized a couple weeks ago and she got full custody of the kids." Zapp replied, stuffing a nacho chip into his mouth.

"Is she going to testify at Gene's trial?"

"Yeah, the prosecutors are going to call her as one of the witnesses. They said they might call Kiss and Kass and maybe even the two of us to testify too, since we've all seen some of what Gene's done."

"I don't see why she even married him in the first place, everyone told her it was a bad idea. Even you advised her against going through with it, but she still didn't listen."

"I know, I guess she was just blinded by love... at least she finally came to her senses and got away from Gene. I still wish she'd never married him; he's caused her a lot of pain she didn't deserve. The only good things that came from her marriage to him were her kids..." Zapp muttered coldly. He hated it when someone hurt his sister, and her ex-husband had certainly done a lot to hurt her.

"Speaking of kids, how are things going with your son?" Kif inquired, changing the subject.

"Great; I really like being a dad. At first I didn't think I'd be able to handle it, but it isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. It's actually kind of fun." Zapp replied happily.

"I can't wait until my kids are fully matured. Then I can be a father too. I still have to wait a few more years for that to happen though..."

"You could always knock up Amy, that way you'd only have to wait nine months to be a dad."

"Yes, but I don't think Amy wants to have more children. She's fine with the ones we've got already." Kif pointed out, getting up from his seat. "Excuse me for a moment."

"Where are you going? The new 10'000 Ways to Pass Away episode's about to come on." Zapp asked, his mouth full of nacho chips.

"I know, but I have to use the restroom. I'll be right back." Kif replied. He started to walk off; but then Zapp noticed something.

"Hey Kif, wait a minute." He called after the alien.

"What is it, Sir?" Kif inquired.

"You've got a huge stain on your ass, I think you sat in some guac-mole." Zapp pointed out, gesturing to Kif's backside. Kif looked down; a dark green stain was evident on the skirt of his uniform.

"Oh... uh... well, I guess I'll just wash it off in the bathroo-hey! What are you doing!?" He squealed as Zapp took a nacho chip and scraped it against his rear.

"What? Can't let the guac-mole go to waste." The blonde replied. He was about to take a bite of the chip when Kif grabbed his arm and stopped him.

"Uh, Sir... I wouldn't eat that if I were you..." He advised.

"Why not?" Zapp asked.

"That's not guacamole."

"Then what is it?" Kif blushed a little and nervously scratched the back of his neck.

"Um... it's my... uh... my menstrual fluid..." He replied.

"WHAT!? EW! OH, THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Zapp exclaimed, dropping the chip on the floor. He removed the glove from his right hand (the hand that had previously been holding the chip) and threw it on the floor too. Then he grabbed one of his photon guns and shot it for good measure.

"Ew... I'm never wearing that glove again..." He proclaimed.

"I don't think you could even if you wanted to, seeing as you've disintegrated it..." Kif pointed out, gesturing to the pile of smoldering ashes that was formerly the General's glove. Zapp glared at him; he was getting tired of always being corrected. Kif grabbed his salt shaker from his pocket and poured some more salt into his mouth. Suddenly he winced in pain and grabbed his stomach.

"OW! CRAMP!" He cried, dropping to the floor and curling up in the fetal position. "Curse you, menstrual cycle!" At that moment, Zapp was suddenly struck with realization. Kif's craving for salt, his moodiness, his various physical ailments-they were all symptomatic of menstruation! He felt kind of stupid for not piecing it together sooner-he had an older sister and a wife for god's sake, he knew what menstruation was and all the symptoms that came with it! He looked down at Kif; Kif looked back up at him. For a moment they just stared at each other awkwardly, neither one of them said a thing.

"I'm thirsty." Kif finally announced, breaking the silence.

"Well, I'm not surprised! You've been eating salt all day!" Zapp reminded him.

"What can I say? I'm on my period, craving salt is a common symptom of that..." Kif defended. He got up off the floor and proceeded to eat even more salt.

"Yeah, but... you're a man! That's not supposed to happen to you; only women have periods!" Said Zapp.

"Well yes, that's true in regards to humans. But everything is different when you're talking about Amphibiosans like me." Kif replied sheepishly. "In my species, both males and females are able to undergo menstruation."

"Why? I mean, I don't see any reason you'd need to go through it." Zapp asked, feeling confused.

"It has to do with reproduction."

"Reproduction? You mean like making babies?"

"Yes, making babies." Zapp still seemed confused, so Kif let out an annoyed sigh and prepared to go into a lengthy explanation regarding the magic of male menstruation. "Remember when I told you how I was able to become pregnant through skin to skin contact?"

"Oh yeah, you said something about that back when Leela knocked you up."

"Yes... anyways, since I can become pregnant I need a place to carry my young until they're born, so I have a womb. And every month or so, my body prepares my womb for hosting offspring by building up a lining. However, if I'm not impregnated by someone then I don't need the lining to sustain any fetuses, and the lining is expelled from my womb through menstruation. It's really not all that different from what happens in human women, the only major difference is that I don't have any ovaries so I don't ovulate each month, and the fact that I'm male... but anyways, that's why it happens to me." Kif explained.

"Oh, that makes sense. I think I've got it now... but how come you've never told me about this? We're like, best friends! I've known you forever!" Zapp questioned, dumbfounded as to why-and how-Kif had hidden this from him for so long. Zapp had known him for as long as he could remember; he couldn't believe that he'd said nothing about this unique biological feature of his until now. Kif blushed again and laughed awkwardly.

"I don't know... I just don't really like sharing this detail with anyone, even if they're my friends. Amy's the only person who I've told about it."

"Well yeah, I figured you'd have to tell her. I mean, you guys are married after all."

"Uh, we're technically only fon fon rus... but it's basically the same as being married I guess."

"How come you told her about it and not anybody else?"

"I told her because I love her, and I felt she deserved to know about my biology if we were going to be in a serious relationship. I just didn't want anybody besides her to know that I menstruate since... well... it's kind of embarrassing. But now you know about it so you're probably going to go off and tell everyone else..."

"Kif, I'm not gonna do that."

"You're not?"

"Nope. Just as long as you promise not to tell anyone I thought your period blood was guac-mole."

"It's a deal." Kif replied, shaking hands with Zapp. "And, uh... it's pronounced guacamole."

"You know what I mean!" The two of them started laughing. "I gotta ask though-where do you bleed from? I mean, I know you have a uterus, but where does the blood come out when you're on the rag? Does it come out of your ass? Or does it leak out of your schlong instead?" Zapp inquired.

"Goodness no! Ick, now I'll never get that image out of my head..." Kif remarked, disgusted by the mental image his friend's statement had given him.

"Well if it doesn't come out of your schlong or your ass, then where the hell does it come out? Are you a tranny?" Kif sighed exasperatedly.

"No, I am not a transvestite... since you're obviously not understanding this, allow me to explain. I'm male, I have male "parts", but I also have an opening in between them and my... uh... "derriere" that leads to my womb. Though I don't really use it for anything other than birthing young and expelling menstrual fluid." He clarified.

"So... you have a vagina?" Asked Zapp.

"I guess you could call it that... but it's a little different from a female vagina..."

"Do you let Amy touch it when you're having sex?"

"Uh, well... it's not really a sexually stimulating area in males... like I said, it's usually just used for birthing and menstruation."

"So... you don't let her touch it?" Kif sighed again.

"No... the first time I was "intimate" with her, she got a little curious and asked about it, so I explained to her what it was and asked her to not stick anything in there, and then we made love."

"Have you ever stuck anything in there yourself?"

"Other than tampons, no."

"Tampons? You use _tampons_!?"

"Well I'm not going to use pads! I mean, these uniforms leave little to the imagination, someone would see that I'm wearing them! Since tampons are worn internally, they're much more discreet..." Kif replied, gesturing to his uniform for emphasis.

"Oh, I see... hey, since you can put tampons in there, if I was going to have sex with you would I be able to put my schlong in there too?" Zapp inquired. Kif was utterly horrified at the thought of that happening.

"YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!?" He cried.

"No, no! Of course not! I wouldn't ever screw you! Even if you do sort of have a vagina... it'd still be gay if I screwed you. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, being gay is great, but I'm not gay. Plus, I've got Michelle for that sort of thing. I was just curious about it..."

"Oh."

"Anyways, if I hypothetically was going to bang you, would I be able to put it in there?"

"I... uh... I don't really know if that'd be possible... look, it's getting kind of late. I should probably go find a tampon and get ready for bed..." Kif mumbled, trying to end the conversation and leave before Zapp would ask more awkward questions.

"Wait, Kif! Before you go, there's one more thing I want to ask you!" Kif sighed in annoyance.

"What is it?" He muttered.

"Can I see it?" Asked Zapp.

"See what?"

"You know... your "downstairs" parts."

"NO!"

"Aww, come on! Just lift up your skirt and show me your vag real quick. I wanna see what it looks like!"

"I am NOT going to show it to you! I don't ask you to show me your genitalia!" Kif objected.

"I'd show it to you if you asked. Wanna see?" Zapp smirked, starting to lift up the front of his skirt.

"Keep your twig and berries covered!" Kif squealed, shielding his eyes. Zapp pulled his skirt back down and frowned.

"Twig and berries? I think for me it would be more like a log and berries." He smirked coyly, grossly exaggerating his "size". "So... can I see your-"

"I'm going to bed." Kif grumbled, turning to exit the room.

"Alright, that's fine. I'm sure I can find a picture of one on Google somewhere." Zapp called out to him as he left. Kif just sighed pessimistically in response.

The End

**Author's Note: And that's it lol... hope you liked it. I thought this would be funny to write about, I mean if Kif can get pregnant I would think he has a womb for housing unborn offspring, and if he had a womb he could theoretically undergo menstruation... sure he probably wouldn't have female hormones to stimulate that, but come on guys-we're talking about a character from a science fiction cartoon in which a pizza guy got frozen, went to the future, and befriended a mutant cyclops lady and a beer guzzling chain smoking robot that constantly requests for his ass to be bitten. Anything can happen, it doesn't have to be scientifically or biologically accurate. Plus Kif is an alien so his biology is different from human biology anyways. And I know it's out of character for him to swear but he's on his period and he's pissed and doesn't feel well so he's allowed to swear all he wants. Anyways, in other news, I'm working on the follow up to Future Mama Baby Drama and a Futurama Truth or Dare fic too so you can look forward to those. The character Selene that Zapp and Kif briefly talk about is an OC of mine who will be appearing in the follow up to Future Mama Baby Drama, so I didn't go into too many details with her because more info about her will be revealed in the coming fanfic. But I'm sure you've already figured out a few vague details about her from reading Zapp and Kif's conversation. Anyways, thanks for reading my crap, I really appreciate it c: please review and let me know what you thought of it**

**Futurama belongs to Matt Groening and David X. Cohen, as do Kif Kroker and Zapp Brannigan (this means I don't own them :P)**


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